Back from the Depths...

Alas,

Fair readers, Fair and Faithful Readers,

Oh how I have longed for ye so!

And it is but a vision, just o'er the horizon,

Or is it?!!!

Might I have found the Promised Land????

It is true! For as I live and breathe the ocean air! I HAVE RETURNED!!! And my zeal for life is renewed. I Live Again! Oh Sweet Children of Poseidon, I Live AGAIN!

Yours Truly,

SANTO GORTANO, IL CAPITAN

A Grammatical Proposition

When one uses the words 'break' or 'brake' an easy distinction can be made as to what the speaker/writer/signer/telepather is meaning. However, when the aforementioned conveyer of message speaks int the past tense, he/she/it/they/neither/both/all would use the word 'broke'. Possible confusion can arise from this duplicity. Therefore, I propose that a change be made, and the sooner the better. The change that I propose is for the word 'break'. For the word 'brake' no change will be necessary, the past tense associated with 'brake' will remain 'broke'. For 'break', the new past tense will be my proposal of 'broak'. For example, "I broak my arm." Here, the author's meaning is as clear as crystal. If however, the author had said "I broke my arm." the interpreter would not know if the arm bone was ruptured, or if the arm had a hydraulic stopping system attached to it, and its action was intentionally cessated by the author. I like many other readers of English confront this type of problem every day. I hope that this small adjustment will be an easy fix to the brake/break conundrum.
As a last note, the word broke will have to be disassociated from the meaning of having no money. No new replacement will be needed as there are already enough words and phrases describing the condition of having no money. This is all I have to say on the subject. Thank you.

Captain Gorton

SeaMonster.com Job Posting-Job Code 942QN-383F

A posishun has opend up abored our shipp. I am a multippul amputy and I needs asistince, in mor wayz than won, in the wryting of myne and meez cruz pursenal blog. The posishin was formerlee and formaly held by my trusted ade Paul E. who has now moovd on too blooer oshins. Litturaly. The pay iz negoshabul depindding on expeerynce, and the benfitz are grate if you ar curintly unimployd and ar reseeving NO benfitz. Wurk tire iz casual az iz the atmostfeer. dont get two relaxxd tho becuz i drink a lot and one nevr nos if i wil remeber hoo you ar or not All seeryusniss asyde, iff i haf to keep relying, on thees illiturit ess o bees too doo my tieping then no wun iz gunna reed my blog enymor. Pleez huree.

goretin

This Year's Easter Activities Held Underwater

Ahoy Faithful Readers!

This year's holiday activities were one for the record books. I decided that our festivities would be held shipside as we were anchored, ironically, in a bay on the leeward side of Easter Island. By the way, the inhabitants of Easter Island do not celebrate Easter, they do however have a holiday that involves chocolate bunnies. The weird look in the eyes of the native that was telling me this, gave me the idea that maybe I did not want to ask anymore questions relating to THAT holiday. I quickly excused myself saying something about my seaphone ringing on silent.

Many activities were planned, among them: an egg hunt, a narwhal wrasslin' event, ring toss, and (my favourite) a raucous game of Marco Polo! First up was the ring toss, poor me, I was unable to participate due to the fact that I have no "hands" [see 'Peg Legged and Fancy Free' The Freezer Section, issue 10 dec 06]. In fact, now is a good time to mention that for the last six-plus months my trusty parrot, Paul E., has been taking my dictation and tirelessly using the hunt and 'peck' technique to compile my rum-induced ramblings (I think I just invented a word for that: RUMBLINGS). Anyway, back to the action, Privateer Blueberry won the ring toss and was awarded his prize without further ado. As a side note, he/she/it/they/neither/both/etc. was the only participant in the ring toss, and I'm guessing it is because I declared that the winner was to be given "forty lashes". Having sobered a little, and seeing the fear in his/her/its/their/etc. eyes that I was actually going to go through with my declaration, I quickly threw a "curveball" and ordered all crewpersons to pluck enough eyelashes to equal a 'forty lash bouquet' to be given to Privateer Blueberry. Yeah! Happy Endings! (not that kind!)
Next up was the egg hunt! Since we could only procure an egg that was lacking bouyant qualities, we decided that the most dynamic approach would be to blindfold all of the participants and just let the egg sink where it may. On my command, all of my seamen lurched forward in search of the elusive egg! It was a sight to behold, seamen were flailing about, bumping into each other, frantically trying to find the egg...{okay, okay, I know this is lame, but you have to give me credit for waiting so long to pull this one}. Wrapping up: and someone found it, and they were declared the winner. Yada, yada, yada.
After the "egg" hunt, was the narwhal wrestling. Privateer Cantaloupe displayed excellent skill and dexterity in defeating the Narwhal Thumb-Wrestling World Champion. I did not know that narwhals had thumbs, let alone that they were double jointed in their thumbs. I guess it is a good thing that Privateer Cantaloupe is triple-jointed in his thumbs.
Lastly, was a super fun game of Marco Polo, Old-World Style! This year's classic was won by none other than Bosun Kiwi. He/she/it/they/neither/both/etc. swept the competition, leaving no room for doubt as to who is the second best ever! The best ever, of course would be the game's founder AND namesake, MR. MARCO POLO!!!!
Sadly, his son chose not to follow in his father's legkicks. He instead went into the clothing/fashion industry. Alas poor Ralph, he knew you well!
So that raps it up here from the beautiful island paradise of Easter Island! Not because I've covered everything that happened, rather, Paul E.'s beak is bleeding pretty severly and I don't think he can peck anymore

editors note: Paul E. is fine and in stable condition at the Betty Ford Clinic. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.

This has been your Captain speaking,

Gortimus the Elder

Great News

I have just recieved the results from the Personality and Career Aptitude Assessment Inventory that I took back in February, while I was visiting the Strait of DeBoat. Obviously, I scored very high marks for Sea Captain, as well as Male SuperModel. But surprisingly, rounding out my top three was Musical Disc Jockey. At first I was caught unawares, but then it began to grow on me, like barnacles on a hull. I have sent off for some information about taking correspondence courses at the reknowned music school of Julliard. (My safety school is Brooklyn College Conservatory of Music.) I cannot wait to hear back from them, as I have already picked out my performance name. I will be known as :

D.J. Tanner, Cause I'm Always Performing for a Full House!!!!This is gonna be off the fishhook.

Gorton Out.

What do you do with a drunken sailor?

Argh Matees!

Me WiFi finally started working out here in the middle of the Indian Ocean! And it is about time! So I've decided to catch you up on how things have been going...

We picked up a new plank on Papua New Guinea (the prices for planks on Papua Old Guinea were through the thatched roof!!). It has that certain bounce, in other words, it really adds a spring to ones step. And you can't be going around marauding with a weak plank!

Our class action lawsuit against the music and movie recording industries for misuse of the term 'piracy' is going along well, we finally found a lawyer who would take the case. However, he/she/it/they/neither/both/all/none has asked to be paid in Spanish Dubloons, and we "have no knowledge of the whereabouts of any Dubloons". So if any of you Junior Pirates have any ideas of where to find Dubloons, then contact me at ****24@********.***.

We have acquired three new crewpersons to fill the posted job announcements of several months ago, so applicants need not send in any more applications.

My book of original writings was recently released, it is titled "Amateurs and Prose" and is available at your local Baaarrrrnes and Nobel Bookstore.

Harpoonperson Jones caught a 213 lb. swordfish in February with an 85 lb. test line and an 8 ft. pole. The folks from the Guinness World Records came by and we all got drunk. In fact, we got so slithered that we all forgot why they were there and so when it was "time for them to go", we put them out in a dinghy with five pounds of sardines and an 8 ft. pole with 85 lb. test line....

For Crewman Smee's 21st birthday we went baaarrrrhopping! It was off the jib line!

Lastly, Young Davy Jones is growing up before our very eyes. He is going to be just like his father, only a better swimmer, although that is not saying much! Thankfully he is illiterate and won't be reading this blog post.

sinSEArly,

Gorton, Seaman Extraordinaire

add on to PC plcy

Attn Crew:

Use "he/she/it/they/neither/both/all/none" when citing unknown genders and whatnot.

Please NO, and I mean NO, more 'helpful' suggestions as to the content and subjects covered under Political Correctness Policy HR-324458. Crew members not heeding these instructions shall be hanged by his/hers/it's/theirs/neither's/both's/all's/none's genitals or lack thereof. Thank you for your cooperation in these matters.

Your Gracious Captain,

Captain Gorton

Even Further Adjustments to New Political Correctness Policy

It has been brought to my attention that not only could an individual be either male, female, or neuter, but the individual could be multiple genders and or personalities, and therefore we now use: "he/she/it/they" when referencing an unknown or ambivalent gender citation. Conforming to the ship's mission statement of inclusiveness, blah blah blah... we now have hopefully the last change to this supposedly inocuous policy. We can all be using our time more effectively then by coming up with every possible instance for this new policy.

Also to save time and paper I am including the ship's welcome to our newest crew member, Herm Aphrodite. So the next time you see he/she/it/them in the galley, give he/she/it/them a big welcome.

Once again,

Your Captain

Addendum to New Political Correctness Policy

Any member who wishes to go one step beyond, may add the neuter term 'it', for the resulting appelation "he/she/it". It is the mission of this ship to be inclusive of all peoples no matter what gender or lack thereof. Thank you to Fourth Mate Andy Rogenous for the comment that led to this update. To the rest of the crew, please leave only serious comments.

Your Captain

New Political Correctness Policy

All members of the crew shall henceforth use the accepted "he/she" when gender is either unknown, ambivalent, or not worth asking about. Thank you for your cooperation. Any and all comments are welcome.

The Captain

Peg Legged and Fancy Free

Gather round and I shall regale ye with tales of the Sea, and how She has taken time and again from me, yet never seen fit to repay me for my losses. I have lost many an appendage/organ to the sea and those creatures who dwell in it.

I lost my first leg to Scurvy while crossing the Atlantic. My quartermaster, Yuri (RIP), had assured me that we had more than enough Vitamin C, in the form of oranges, when we left port. He was a man of short stature and short temper, so this question was a calculated risk that I was taking. He was a member of my crew as a matter of last resort. I had gotten a late start in the human resources campaign, and so my crew was made up of two dozen lazy, inexperienced, disloyal, gluttonous, murdering, alcoholic illiterates. Yuri, however, was no illiterate. He did, however, have a great penchant for screwdrivers. This is why three weeks into our voyage, we ran out of the aforementioned oranges.

Yuri hanged himself from the cross-spar two days later when he couldn't handle the withdrawal.

We did have limes and grapefruit aplenty, which are also great sources of Vitamin C. So all was well in that department. However, the issue of my leg being lost is due to one of crewmen bringing his pet alligator, Scurvy, on board. He had told me that it was his luggage, and I had heard that alligator was back in style, and ... nevermind. It was not as painful as it could have been. I was in the great haze of a rum stupor. I was actually laughing profusely at how his luggage seemed to be smiling as it 'ate' my leg. When I finally realized what happened, the alligator had taken his meal and scampered back down below. I being too drunk, and minus a leg, was unable to pursue, and resigned myself to my fate.

When we arrived at our destination, I made a visit to the local doctor and had a peg leg attached. This peg leg was no designer original, but I did pay a pretty price in gold for it. Not even two fortnights after we had begun our return trip, I awoke one morn to find that me leg had been chewed right off by a band of rogue termites that had been afloat at sea on their ship, the SS Driftwood. Me crew, thinking it was a bad omen, quickly threw me overboard. It was during this time while I floated aimlessly on the high seas that I was attacked by a diabetic shark. Apparently he/she/it wanted my KitKat bar that I was holding for a special occasion. I thought that having my hand ripped of my wrist was painful, then I submerged it in the briny sea. I washed ashore an island where I regained conciousness. As luck would have it, a reknowned hand surgeon just happened to be vacationing on this tropical paradise. He was however too drunk to perform a transplant. (And yes, there were several hand donors on that island.) So instead, I was treated with the standard stainless steel hook. He threw in a free peg leg to replace the one I had lost earlier. [As a side note, this peg leg was a bit of a collector's item. The old blind man who had carved my prosthetic was a local celebrity, in that he was the reigning World's Fastest Whittler. Ironically, his prize was an all expenses paid trip to this island.]

Having the worst trip of my life so far, I walked out toward the shore. As I looked up to scream at the sky, a bastard gull swooped in a shat on me. As my fortune would have it, I was able to shut my eyelids just in time. However, it had not fully set in to my brain that my hand was no longer a hand, and so this is why I wear a patch over me left eye to this day.

These are the events of my ill fortunes, and to this day every time I set out upon the sea, I always pour the necessary libations to appease the gods, and the Mother Sea herself.

Return O' The Cap'n

To all two of my faithful readers, my most sincere apologies for not having posted in almost a year. Your patience shall be rewarded in some form or another.