SeaMonster.Com Job Posting-Job Code 583GH-772R

We lost three men last night during an attack by a sea monster. They were on the port deck getting the nets and lines ready for a fishing run for early this morning when they were swallowed whole.
So I have sent this transmission to inform the general public that we will be accepting applications and conducting interviews for the following postions:

Netter
Spear-gunner
Hooker

Qualifications are at least three years experience, Degree preferred. The position of Hooker requires at least five years experience. Full benefits, dental/vision, pd. vacation, company rowboat. Starting pay is $32K a year. We are an EOE. HUD accepted.

Please fax your resumes to 555-FISH. Or mail to P.O. Box 993, Indian Ocean, AZ.

Serious inquiries only! No shirt, No shoes, No problem.

Pacific Islanders Are People Too

This entry is a bit of a scientific discussion about the psyche of the native inhabitants on the San Marcos Islands (Don't look for it on a map). When my crew and I were visiting and resupplying there recently, I stopped and took some time to talk with the locals. In my discussions with the aforementioned subjects, I noticed what can only be described as an overwhelming sense of sadness and apathy. Even though these people live on an absolutely beautiful, picuresque slice of heaven, the majority were suffering from these conditions. I can only describe it as 'Tropical Depression'. When I delved further into why this was happening, most of the subjects turned out to be young, virile males. They told me how the tribal elders were continuing to sacrifice young virgin girls into a dormant volcano that hadn't erupted in over three hundred years. Upon hearing this I gathered the men and we left this god forsaken island. I did it all for the Morale!

Dr. Gorton, Ph.D, M.D., R.Ph, CPA, LLC, ASAP, J.D.,

Fish Shtick

A loyal fan of mine pointed out to me that my fine line of seafood products in your local grocers shops are all labeled with the kosher symbol. I didn't know that. Oh well.

GORTON

Bacon and Horseradish Cream Cheese

We have not yet hit dry land, however a fortuitous start to the name game. The first new species of our excursion has fell into our lap, literally. I believe it was due to a heart attack. He/she is currently re"coop"erating in our ICU. It is a member of the seagull family, as denoted by its talons and rank odor. Since we are currently sitting anchored in the bay, I will call it a "Bay-Gull". Maybe in the morning it will have regained conciousness, and if it is a speaking variety of the gull family, as only I suppose there may be, then it will be able to give us some helpful hints on how to not look like tourists. If on the other hand, this is an endangered species, and should it perish during the night (we have a bad alley cat problem) then I will promptly delete this entry, and henceforth throw it overboard.

Hello New Species Money, Hello Publishing Money, Hello New Feather Keychain.

Gortimus Maximus

Let's all make happy rock throwing!!

Great goodness as I wake upon myself in 2006.
Recently, I outfitted my 1987 Jupiter MoonShiner 160 foot Schooner with a remote control engine and steering system. This is so that I will be able to drive the ship as I sit in my favorite spot on the whole ship, the crow's nest. I installed a vibrating back massager last month, and the view is just unbeatable. Besides, I get to keep my distance from the crew when I am up here. Just me and the seagulls.
This week we are sailing to the Islands of Des'Paire. I think it is a French name. Our mission: to document the local flora and fauna. I heard that there used to be a small fishing village in a cove on the leeward side of the island. I think me and the crew will put in there. Maybe they have a nice pub that we can base our operations out of. One with a dartboard, as I have become rather fond of the game since first mate Backes procured one last week. Sadly, Boson Richy has had to get a patch for his other eye due to an ocean swell, and a poorly aimed dart. But that is what he gets for volunteering to wear the dartboard around his neck. To make it up to him, I have ordered that he get double rations for the rest of the week.
Back to the mission however, we saw a castaway in a raft that floated by last week on our port side. He shouted that there was a rather large contingent of what I could only make out as "cannon balls". If only he would have paddled faster, we could have taken him on board. Oddly enough he started paddling the opposite direction when we shouted where we were going. Nevertheless, we sail onward to our destination to document these "scary" cannon balls. Maybe this island used to be home to an old Spanish fort, and I am reserving my excitment for the possibility of some forgoten gold treasure.
Stay tuned, as our exciting adventure full of surprises and magnificent discoveries continues. Remember to always tie a large rock to your full garbage bags when dumping them in the sea.

Your faithful Capitan!

Ol' Gort

IF colors were numbers and vice versa

The other night as I lay on the deck looking up into the clear ocean sky, I wondered about all the aliens that have come to this planet to cut British peoples grass. If I were to catch one with my mighty Swordfish Net, and sit him down for a nice tall glass of orange juice (Viamin C is a sailors best friend) to pick his brain (?) would we really be able to communicate, not quite unlike my dream that I had when I was only six years of age. I would imagine that we would need a couple o pitchers of OJ o get the conversation rolling. And what if she/he/neither/both had a citrus allergy. I would not know until it was too late. I would not feel remorse, but rather I think I would stage a dramatic sea harpooning and sell the digital photo imagery to a reputable media outlet such as the Sears Roebuck Christmas Catalogue. ACT NOW!!!! Supplies are limited. I hope you like gray. The shipping box may be soggy from all the melted ice. ICE from the NORTH POLE!!!!! Ice mined by albino polar bears. Ice that tastes like the sweet nectar of Santa's Vineyard. I am going to go grab another beer from the galley. If I don't come back I probably fell overboard. That is why I attach a life buoy to my waist. NOT to be confused with "my waste".

Three sky in the morning, sailor take warning. Eight sky at night, sailor's delight!